[PHONE RINGING] Hey? Sure, I’d like to talk to Congress, please. I’m on maintain, however I’m making an attempt to achieve Congress on behalf of the Kingdom of Denmark. Now, my first language is Danish, however I figured I’d do that in English, since I understand how a few of you People really feel about individuals who converse overseas languages. “It’s important to converse English.” Anyway, the explanation I’m reaching out is the northern a part of the dominion, particularly Greenland, the world’s largest distraction. Sorry, I imply, the world’s largest island. However pay attention, we right here within the Kingdom of Denmark are getting a really Venezuelan vibe about the best way the American president is speaking about us proper now. “We’re going to be doing one thing with Greenland, both the good manner or the tougher manner.” So what do you do when an worker goes rogue? Nicely, what I’ve realized, primarily from watching American TV reveals, you ask to talk to the supervisor. And in Trump’s case, that will be Congress. I imply, they will management the price range. They will maintain investigations. They will even fireplace him. However they appear to be sleeping on the job. “Mr. Moore. Mr. Moore.” Therefore, my cellphone name. However whereas I’m on maintain, possibly we will speak, America? To begin, let’s have a look at a map. That is Greenland. Roughly 50,000 Greenlanders dwell there. And it’s not inexperienced in any respect. It’s white. It’s all white. Possibly that’s why that Stephen Miller man loves it a lot. That is Denmark. Nearly 2,000 miles away. Six million Danes dwell right here. We do minimalism. We do Lego. We do hygge. We do the fats shot. That’s us. Now, Denmark and Greenland will not be the identical nation. However we’re in a relationship. We share a king, however we now have particular person governments. We’re very totally different, however we make it work. To place it in American phrases, we’re like Trump and Melania. Have been formally collectively, functionally separate and each pretending it’s very regular. America and Denmark truly go manner again. We normally observe blindly everytime you guys really feel like invading a rustic. We did it with the gulf warfare. We did it with Afghanistan. We did it with Iraq. Coalition of the prepared. “We’ll lead a coalition of prepared nations to disarm him.” We had been the prepared. However this time, we will’t provide help to, since you’re speaking about invading a rustic that we already invaded. Look, we already know the way colonialism ends. We’ve seen this movie earlier than. “India in revolt.” “Protesters smoked out by the police.” Right here’s why invading Greenland, the simple manner or the arduous manner, can be unhealthy for America and for the world. I feel I would like some contemporary air. Danish missionaries invaded Greenland in 1721, slowly taking up the nation. And for 250 years, we did no matter we needed to them, mainly going full colonial on them. Even within the twentieth century, we had been inserting IUDs into Greenlandic girls to restrict the inhabitants. We had been separating Greenlandic youngsters from their households, sending them to Denmark. Horrible stuff. We even let America construct army bases in Greenland. Through the Chilly Struggle, you guys had 10,000 troops primarily based there. You even crashed a B-52 carrying 4 nuclear bombs there in 1968. Keep in mind? “The hunt is on to find the lacking nuclear weapons.” So what did we Danes study from the previous couple of centuries? Nicely, the apparent. No inhabitants goes to be pleased with a overseas authorities ruling over them. The Greenlanders hated us for hundreds of years. Some nonetheless do. So Trump invading Greenland just isn’t going to assist America’s place on the worldwide stage or at residence. And I do know he says he’s the most well-liked president in the most well-liked nation because the daybreak of time. “I’m a really secure genius.” However belief me, he’s not. And going old-school colonial on Greenland just isn’t going to assist. Anyway, again to the historical past lesson. In 1979, Greenland voted for higher autonomy from Denmark and to kind its personal authorities. And that is essential, as a result of Trump retains speaking about shopping for Greenland. “The truth that that they had a ship land there 500 years in the past doesn’t imply that they personal the land.” Denmark doesn’t personal Greenland anymore. Greenland owns Greenland. Us Danes even requested the Greenlanders how they’d really feel about being purchased. “300,000 kroners.” “No. No, he may by no means purchase us, ever in my life. I might —” “500,000?” “No.” You see, we all know the Greenlanders. They’re a proud Indigenous people who find themselves not fascinated with being People. You may’t simply purchase them off. So Trump is operating wild. He’s kidnapping presidents. He’s invading different international locations with out congressional approval. And admittedly, we don’t need that mess spilling into Greenland or Europe — or Legoland, for that matter. So once more, that’s why we’re making an attempt to talk to the supervisor. However Congress nonetheless isn’t choosing up the cellphone. Hey? [CRICKETS] “The People are decided to retrieve their bombs.” “We’re nonetheless trying.”
